“You’re Not Picking My Butt”: Weird, Guilt-Free Shit My Family Has Said During Quarantine

Living in quarantine has been very enlightening for me (as I’m sure it has been for all of you as well). It has brought out some interesting shades of Bacon in my family members (with whom I am quarantined).

A lot of weird, random shit comes out of our mouths. (This, of course, isn’t anything new, but I’ve certainly been paying more attention to it during quarantine.)

In an effort to entertain you as we all harvest our belly button lint and use it to make masks from the quarantined comfort of our beds, I thought I’d share with you some of the things that have been said around my house.

No guilt. No shame.

Here we go…

“Walking helps you poop.” (My dad to my mom when she says she’s feeling constipated.)

“I don’t feel motivated at all. And yet your father said he walked to ESL this morning and I’m like ‘shut the hell up.’” (My mom while lying facedown on our kitchen floor.)

“I hate positive people.” (My mom, still lying facedown on the kitchen floor, when my sister Gracie tries to cheer her up.)

“And then there’s Lily who thinks we should all make a suicide pact.” (Gracie about my other sister after my mom’s previous comment.)

“Did you hear about the kid who accidentally killed himself by shoving two pencils up his nose?” (My sister Maria, completely out of the blue at the dinner table while the rest of us were talking about politics or some shit.)

“Did that happen today or last week?” (Every single one of us at some point.)

“I’ve seen it twice.” (Me.) “I’ve seen it once.” (My sister.) “I can only see three-fourths of it now.” (My dad, who was missing his glasses while watching the Passion of the Christ on Good Friday.)

“Dad’s been using my training bra as a mask.” (Maria.)

“I’ll pay you a hundred dollars to walk naked in the background of their Zoom meeting wearing nothing but a mask.” (My mom to Maria during someone’s Zoom meeting.)

“Stop licking your fingers and sticking them in things.” (All of us to my brother Noah.)

“You’re not picking my butt.” (What I thought my sister Sarah said to Maria, when really what she said was “You’re not picky, my butt.”)

“They’re doing my chemo class on Zoom.” (Sarah, who’s a nurse.)

“They said it looks like a penis.” (My sister Lily about her unicorn Easter egg.) “No, we said it looks like a sperm.” (Sarah.)

“We had to scrape his boogers off the wall with a blowdryer and metal spatula.” (My mom and sisters talking about the trials of cleaning my brother’s room after he moved out.)

“Maria’s farts literally smell like Skinny Pop popcorn.” (My sister Lily… ‘nuff said.)

“What if Jesus was really just a popular bachelor, the Last Supper was his bachelor party, and the crucifixion was him getting married?” (My sister Maria and I blowing our own minds.)

That’s all I got for now, but I’m sure there’s more to come.

My family and I have some really interesting Bacon, and together, it creates a really unique smell (in my sister’s case, a Skinny Pop popcorn aroma) after marinating in the same residence for an extensive period of time.

For the grande finale, below is a spinoff of “A Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” that my sister Maria and I came up with on Easter while washing dishes:

There’s a crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a crease

There’s a crease

There’s a crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a hole

There’s a hole

There’s a hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a log in the hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a log in the hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

There’s a log

There’s a log

There’s a log in the hole in the crease at the bottom of the crack

Happy quarantining, everybody.

5 comments

  1. Reblogged this on Bet Free Recovery Now. Sharing Gambling Recovery, Hope, & Supporting Others. and commented:
    I Just Love Anna’s Blog!!
    As many of us are having to stay home since the pandemic began to spread, this post is a fun way to share the FUNNY and The Random Shit that we notice as many families are all stuck together at home. And my recovery friends know I enjoy some HUMOR in my DAY!!
    Cat

    Liked by 1 person

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